alone and vulnerable

---warning : personal and emotional post (maybe whining if you will), if you're not interested, then don't read -----

Does anybody still read my blogspot nowadays?? Since this year started , it's funny because my interest in fashion and design has sort of waned. yes, even gyaru fashion. Maybe it's my lack of girl friends here in California? Seriously, I'm also to blame, but I feel like I've lost touch with meeting with girl friends on a regular basis.. I guess school and work has been taking so much of my time for me to even have a social life. Plus I'm so exhausted after both school and work, the only time I have left is for sleeping. I think I'm getting old. Also, there are people always moving away, my two BFF are in Alabama and Japan, whenever I make plans to meet with someone, they're either busy or they have no money, when I get invited as well, it's always the wrong timing and I never have money.

I'm not sure, but the bubble I lived in Hawaii seems so comforting now. Is it because of the tiny island, that I was able to meet with friends on a regular basis? It was so easy to drive from Kapolei to Honolulu because even though of the horrendous traffic, it was feasible. I feel like here on the mainland, I feel so disconnected from people I could have potentially great relationships / friendships with. Everyone is so far away from each other here (yes even in the Bay Area, and not to mention LA) you have to drive or commute so far to see someone. Maybe I'm still an island girl at heart, I am not used to the vast distances that friends have apart from each other.

Maybe all this thinking is happening because I'm getting really old. I'm not posting my age here, but I think I'm falling into the category of the quarter life crisis where I start to question my existence and what I am doing here. (I'm in my late late 20s, not early 20s - surprised?)

It's been almost two years I've been on my own in California (with boyfriend included), but I feel like life hasn't really begun for me yet. I'm finally on that journey going back to college to fulfill my 10 year dream of becoming a graphic designer, but now that it's finally happening, I feel so defeated. It's so hard, and my drive and passion I had for it is gone. I haven't designed anything personal for myself in months. It's always been school assignments, but never for "fun" because I honestly don't feel like it. Since when did my hobby become such a nightmare?? I don't even feel like blogging anymore. I remember I used to be so excited to make layouts, to freely mix elements that now looking from a professional standpoint seems horrendous. I miss the days when I was blind to the rules and when art was something so fun and rewarding. It just feels like a CHORE. I miss the days of making cute personal websites, fixing up my profile, taking and editing pictures and having fun with everything. School sure did open my eyes, but it sure took away my passion of designing for fun. I don't get it. I feel like quitting because now I'm not sure if design is something I want to do for the rest of my life as my career. I don't get it, I wanted this for so long, and now I don't love it anymore?? You know that saying, BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, YOU JUST MIGHT GET IT? Yes, well that certainly applies now.

I just feel so physically exhausted. I feel like I'm going no where. I feel so lost and disconnected from both the real world and the internet world. Is there someone out there who can possibly know how I feel?

Anyway, I'm going to keep this up for awhile. I could really use some feedback right now or advice. I remember being this vulnerable on livejournal, and I feel like that after leaving livejournal, that this blogspot I had for about 2 years was just scratching the surface dripping with artificiality - fashion entries, what I ate, who I went out with, what did they wear, what did I wear, places I been. Yes, these were all fun entries to write about, and yet, it seemed so impersonal, artificial. I never really blogged about my feelings here on blogspot, like how I did on livejournal. It could be because of the "friends only" feature as well? For some reason, it felt weird to do that in blogspot because anybody could read what I feel, unlike in livejournal. but i'm just gonna let it all out this time. just this one time.